Life goes on...

As the holidays come upon us.. I can't help but to feel a little down. I am trying to stay in the "Christmas" spirit.. there are some days I still struggle..., but most days I'm ok... Christmas used to be my favorite time of the year.. and now it will be awhile before I feel that way again... I can't believe that she will be gone two years this month... seems like an eternity some days... and other days still like it was yesterday. My mind knows now that it's time to move on.. however, my heart still aches for her to be here.. At least now I am at the point... if I hear a song.. or hear something that she used to say.. or see someone doing some of the crazy things she did...it brings a smile to my face... all the memories that we shared are still very close to my heart.. there are days where I think...
I can still hear her.. see her... and feel her around...reason being, her children... her spirit lives on through them...
I hear her laughter in Rachel... see her smile and her eyes in her son Jimmy ....feel her energy in Amanda's zest for life..
It's weird that at times I will hear something or see something....I still think to myself .. I can't wait to call Kim and gossip...lol.. only to remember that she's gone....gone, but not forgotten.... I hope where-ever you are my sister.. that you are well ... and can see that your kids are doing ok.. I still miss you with all my heart... and I am thankful that your kids are close to me... so I can be reminded of just how much you meant to me...
Kelly~

an innocence gone...

Our neighborhood has changed....in the last couple of weeks.. the laughter of children has been silenced... the once filled streets of children running and playing.. has come to sounds of parents calling out to their children... constantly looking over their shoulders... wondering where their children are.. you ask yourself why...this is all because of one man... a man who preys on children.. yes... a pedophile has moved into our neighborhood...

I will never understand why...why our children must suffer..why do they have to become captive in their own homes...their parents afraid to let them run and play.. why must their innocence be taken.. and their lives forever changed... why should they be punished for a crime they didn't commit... Why is it.. that someone like him is able to be free...according to the law.. he has served his time.. however, to the parents of these innocent children.. or more so to his victim... the child... there isn't a punishment severe enough nor a jail sentence long enough to ever bring back what he took away... the innocence of a child... I believe in cases like this... there shouldn't be second chances.. there shouldn't be excuses...like "he made a mistake" this is something that doesn't go away..this is something that will live in his sick little mind forever....

No child should ever have to live that... it sickens me to think.. that he is out there.. it sickens me even more knowing that he is right next door... it could happen ... this monster could easily take the innocence of a child.. again!!

Kelly~

The meaning...of words...

Imagine life without love…. Love without passion…. Passion without desire…….. desire without appeal…… appeal without fascination….. Fascination without captivation……Captivation without enchantment…. Enchantment without magic… a life without love… is a life without meaning….

Now Imagine...

Now Imagine…

Imagine looking in the mirror and you see a gray hair…feeling old or embarrassed you pull it out.
Now imagine waking up and finding your hair on your pillow due to treatment, after treatment of Chemo and radiation…
Imagine waking up and not feeling well…feeling sorry for yourself.
Now imagine being so sick, you cannot get out of bed and every bone in your body is non-functional…
Imagine yourself yelling, screaming, and being so mad at your kids….saying things you don’t mean.
Now imagine lying in a bed…so sick you can’t even hug them, feed them…or help them get ready for school…
Imagine you and your husband fighting over petty things.
Now imagine him tears held back…telling his children their mom is not going to make it….
Imagine fighting with someone calling them names…telling them you hate them.
Now imagine that loved one…gone… and wondering if they knew how much they meant to you…
Imagine complaining about how your breasts’ are now sagging.
Now imagine looking at yourself in a mirror and seeing scars of where your breasts’ used to be….
Just imagine what those women have gone through…and will go through…imagine what anyone with cancer is going through…praying everyday…just hoping they make it through another day....
So quit your moaning, groaning and complaining … Life is too short people… forgive and forget… take each day as it comes… be thankful that you’re alive…and able to do the things you love… just imagine how much worse your life could be…and be thankful for the life you have… so be kind to the ones you love…embrace life…live life….and enjoy your life… remembering that it can be taken from you in an instant… just a little reminder to myself and others that life is precious...

written by Kelly~

WTF....

just me.. now really confused. Not sure of what to believe anymore.
Life goes on... I should know that ... I should feel that... I should live that....
some days are really bad.. some days are good... I should live that...
people go about their daily routines... people leave behind their daily needs... I should live that
sound confusing to you... I live that!!!
she would be upset with me holding on... I know that...
need to bring myself to reality... I know that...
she's gone... never coming back... I know that...
time to let go now.... I know that....
will never forget her... I know that...
boils down to.... I know I should live that!!!

darkness...

I used to look forward to the darkness... a time for letting my mind and body rest. Now the darkness brings fear and worries ... my body will rest but my mind keeps going.
I lay awake at night and every thing that goes on during the day comes to haunt me at night.. my mind just races ... thoughts of the future, past and the present race through my head like a freight train.. slow but steady. I worry about things that I cannot change... and it angers me... my fears only come out at night... and it bothers me. I used to think that I was a pretty level headed person.. now I have doubts. I had a very strange dream the other night... it started out with a lot of people sitting in what looked like a living room...
a very big room... people talking amongst each other... across the room I saw my
sister... I could see her and I could hear her... it was so real. I was yelling
to her you're back... you're back... why are you not calling your family...
still screaming...Kim call your kids... they miss you .. they need you... still
nothing... although, I could see her and hear her...she couldn't see or hear me....I could hear her making plans.... I'm going somewhere with this person... we're going to go somewhere with that person... then I heard.... tomorrow I am meeting Brian for lunch...
now this kind of took my breath away... reason being Brian is our cousin who passed away several years ago... you freaking out yet?
I was....
I woke up with tears in my eyes.. but also with a sense of
relief... maybe this was her way of letting me know that she was fine ... that
everything would be okay... just a freaky dream??? maybe there is life after
death for those who have passed on.... who am I to question... kind of had to
laugh a bit... because she was still the same there as she was when she was
alive.... very, very talkative... I laid there for awhile... and decided to take
this as a sign....a good sign that maybe things will be ok....although, I still
miss her ... still wish with all my heart that she was still here... just having
a weepy kind of day... I have heard the old saying that if God brought you to
it... he will bring you through it... well, I'm still waiting...I'll be fine...
like I said above... just having a weepy kind of day...

just a life experience

Some of you may have seen this already.. I was asked by Christina to share my story on her blog... it's something that I wrote and just wanted to post it on my blog as well...

My life…my life’s experiences.
As I sit and read some of the other stories…my eyes filled with tears.... In disbelief and in sadness of what others have gone through in their lives.. My life’s experiences are not so deep . I’m not saying that I have lived a charmed life… But I can honestly say that I do believe now I have lived a blessed life. We all have demons that we have fought in our lives.. We all have cobwebs buried deep down in our mind… however some thicker than others., I choose to keep my cobwebs buried… I have learned to deal with what has gone on in my past… and choose not to dwell… with only knowing that there is now nothing I can do to change it… my life now has taken on a whole different way of living…we all at times have been forced to travel down roads we do not wish to travel down.. These are life’s lessons.. . How we choose to ride it out is totally up to us…

as for my experiences…cancer is the one that has challenged our family the most…
Cancer has stricken my family three times.. I have lost an Aunt , my Uncle and now my sister… I lost my father at the age of 17, not to cancer though…but to complications of the way he lived his life… he was 41 when he passed away… he too died so young and still had so much to live for.. Although, I was devastated of the loss of my father… nothing could compare to how I felt when I lost my sister to cancer… I felt a part of my life had also died along with her.. As we grew in to adults, we learned to appreciate what we had with each other.. We still had our disagreements and our fights…but we also knew that we would always have each other to turn to…and that we would always be there for one another when needed… When she was first diagnosed …we were all in shock.. And thought that there was no way that God could be doing this again to our family… at least that was what I was hoping for…at first we thought she could beat this… we had heard of so many success stories about Breast Cancer and didn’t see any reason not to believe that she couldn’t over come this.. But as the months passed and she became sicker and sicker we knew that it would eventually take her life… I will be honest in telling you that before that I did not pay too much attention to any of the sites that offered support or asked for donations because it did not at that time affect my life… it was all around me .. I would hear of someone who had passed from cancer I would stop and pause for a moment say “oh how sad” and then continue on in my life.. Now I have a whole different attitude and have hit a higher level of respect for those who have taken the time out of their lives and who have struggled with this disease and chose not to be selfish, but to open their hearts and their lives to help others to raise awareness of this devastating disease…I admire both their strength and their courage… and am so thankful to those who are pushing forward to help make a difference and to give all those who have lost their lives a voice…and to give hope to others… so that someday we will all be able to live a life cancer free….your unselfishness, and your kindness shine through…and I personally thank you from the bottom of my heart…

cancer has most definitely changed our lives… and now I have to realize that the life I once lived is gone… and would now have to learn to live my life without my sister… a couple of months ago….I was sound asleep and was awakened by something… fear…maybe…felt kind of eerie…someone’s presence other than my own… almost a sense of someone being there with me in the room.. . The unknown..??? I woke up dripping in a cold sweat…felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest… almost in a panic…came to the realization for the first time since my sister passed….that my sister was dead and that she was never coming back… so many emotions… what an empty feeling I had inside …my breathing so heavy … my heart never so empty… for the first time.. I cried and cried hard.. not for her kids, or for my mom…but for myself… never in my life had I been more scared, or had felt so alone in my life… uncertain….worried…. And more so frightened…scared of what the future would bring… thinking to myself… do I want to Live In Fear Everyday… do I want to Defy Every Attempt To Heal… which you can see oddly enough spell out Life and Death… These are the thoughts that were going through my head…. I thought to myself… am I losing it… am I coming apart at the seams…am I crazy?? Come on now I am a 47 year old woman… why am I not able to get through this…I know death is a part of life… the two come hand in hand… you’re born… you live… and you die… why am I struggling with this…why can’t I accept that she is gone… and that I should be moving on in my life… but am having a hard time in doing this…I remember thinking …. reality check … life after death does go on… so what seemed like forever I finally stopped crying.. . Finally got myself calmed down… and thought… if I have to live everyday in fear… that’s ok.. Life is scary…I would much rather live in fear.. Than to die knowing I had never lived at all… and as for the part of defying every attempt to heal… came to realize that I am not defying it at all… I am taking each day as it comes…I am living each moment as it passes by… I know in my heart that with each day it will get easier… and finally ….know now that I am healing…she will always be in my heart… a sense of calmness came over me… and realized she came to me… in her own way…to reassure me and to let me know that everything will be ok…
Thank you Christina for letting me share a part of my life and my fears … you, Mary and Indigo, have inspired me in so many ways…and have helped me more than you’ll ever know…
Kelly~